A to Z
I have to say, in my life I've done some weird stuff. I'm a weird person. And I don't mean like a "omg I'm so random" type of wannabe weird. I'm actually fucking odd. Many friends, family, and co-workers can attest to this statement. But, the next thing I'm going to tell you about is by far probably the weirdest thing I've ever done. I used to have sex with guys purely for the first letter of their first name. And I often and actively tried to not repeat letters I've already slept with. Yep. Now doesn't that sound fucking insane? Quite a few people have deemed me a sociopath for this. I must warn you, I don't do this anymore. I've retired from my very sexual liberating days. But during my crazy online dating days, I would actively try to seek out guys with first names, specifically because of their first initial of that name. The only time I ever repeated a letter was because I genuinely liked the person and didn't care about this little sociopath game I played with myself.
When I initially started having sex, which mind you was pretty late in a normal modern woman's life, I didn't plan to end up like this at all. I actually didn't plan to go crazy with it either. I was so ready to just lose my virginity and only have sex that ONE time, I didn't even think about the NEXT times! I was that self conscious about my looks and body image. So once I started being able to lure men with my cute looks and charming personality (in my 'humble' opinion), it just ended being a coincidence that every guy I had sex with up until that point all started with different letters of their first names. From then on, I would go on these dating sites and started noticing that very odd and random fact about them. Yes, I like many other humans, judged how I felt about this person from the first look based on shallow physical appearances, their odd choices of photos they decided to present the world, and their bios which sometimes had nothing in it at all, stupid quotes to appear clever, their life story, something that made no sense at all. It's tough out there in the online dating world. Especially since the hookup culture is so prevalent in the last few years. I still had this little ray of hope inside me that never every single guy out there is an ass-hat or a fuck-boy. But it took me a long time to find a good one during my journey. So, for the next couple years I continued to play this silly game. Honestly, because I was so desperate for love, attention, and validation wherever I could find it I would of probably (and sadly) ended up having sex with a lot more guys than I did. BUT because of this "A to Z" letter game it controlled my temptations. Which honestly now sounds insane, so I can see why some people said I was a sociopath for doing all this. But hey, I was having a hoot. Although there were a lot of weird situations that I've been into, a lot of my experiences were fun and eye opening. Not just the sexual parts of it, but the whole experience of going out and going on dates. Meeting new people can be both fun and exhausting. It's so interesting to get to know someone and finding out all about their lives. However, if you did it so often like myself, it can get quite a bit repetitive and boring.
As I go on and explain my story here, I just want to put it out there, I was not always trying to just mindlessly hook up with random people from online. There were many times that yes, that's what I was looking for at the time. My life was basically an emotional dating rollercoaster for 2 years, where I didn't know what the hell I wanted from anyone. I was trying to figure myself out and what I wanted for my future. Meeting up with someone and having fun for a night isn't a crime. As long as you're safe and want to be there, then go for it! More power to ya! But, I don't want people to get it twisted. Most of the time, during my stint of online dating, I genuinely wanted to find a connection with someone. There were a lot of potential mates, but ultimately, failures. A lot of people like to say it was the other person's fault for the end of a relationship, but I can honestly tell you that's how it always ended up working out. There had only been a few times that I myself ended up being an ass-hat because I wasn't feeling the vibe. But I always tried to let down that person gently and in a respectful manner. Unfortunately, I had consistently ended up with shitty luck in the love department. No one wanted me, and sometimes I wasn't sure why. I would have a great time with someone, promises of seeing each other very soon, and to only be "ghosted" and never heard from them again. I would of preferred answers on why it wasn't going to work. Men, if you take a girl out, it's a date. I don't care what you're thinking, but if you don't set boundaries, we're going to think it's a date. Also, if you say you want to meet up at your place or mine, it's probably not a date. We all know what Netflix and chill is. We can spot your intentions from a mile away. Which, if done right, is quite alright with some people. Like I've said before, there's nothing wrong with a little hooking up. But if you lead someone on by taking them out and don't make it clear on what you want or what this social outing is supposed to be, someone is going to get the wrong idea. Ignoring their calls and texts obviously isn't the decent thing to. Grow a pair, face confrontation, and end things before it gets too emotional. I've been on the shitty end of these situations far too many times for me to count. But I think I learned a lot of life lessons from these awful experiences of being led on and letting my guard down way too quickly for random meaningless strangers who mean nothing to me now but hilarious and unfortunate stories of my oddly amusing past. Although my trust issues have sky rocketed, I'm working on it, it's a process. Because of being fucked over by so many in such short amount of time, I was bound to lose faith in humanity. Luckily, since I've met my boyfriend, I've been able to see the good in people again. I never lost that hope, but it was so buried within my heart I had often forgot about how love could be a real thing for me. I had forgotten that maybe somewhere out there I could find someone who actually wanted to be with me, and for more than just a night or a couple weeks. I've been able to heal, slowly but surely but it'll take a lot of time to get back where I used to be before these whole crazy experiences started.
back in my prime ho-ing days
As I go on and explain my story here, I just want to put it out there, I was not always trying to just mindlessly hook up with random people from online. There were many times that yes, that's what I was looking for at the time. My life was basically an emotional dating rollercoaster for 2 years, where I didn't know what the hell I wanted from anyone. I was trying to figure myself out and what I wanted for my future. Meeting up with someone and having fun for a night isn't a crime. As long as you're safe and want to be there, then go for it! More power to ya! But, I don't want people to get it twisted. Most of the time, during my stint of online dating, I genuinely wanted to find a connection with someone. There were a lot of potential mates, but ultimately, failures. A lot of people like to say it was the other person's fault for the end of a relationship, but I can honestly tell you that's how it always ended up working out. There had only been a few times that I myself ended up being an ass-hat because I wasn't feeling the vibe. But I always tried to let down that person gently and in a respectful manner. Unfortunately, I had consistently ended up with shitty luck in the love department. No one wanted me, and sometimes I wasn't sure why. I would have a great time with someone, promises of seeing each other very soon, and to only be "ghosted" and never heard from them again. I would of preferred answers on why it wasn't going to work. Men, if you take a girl out, it's a date. I don't care what you're thinking, but if you don't set boundaries, we're going to think it's a date. Also, if you say you want to meet up at your place or mine, it's probably not a date. We all know what Netflix and chill is. We can spot your intentions from a mile away. Which, if done right, is quite alright with some people. Like I've said before, there's nothing wrong with a little hooking up. But if you lead someone on by taking them out and don't make it clear on what you want or what this social outing is supposed to be, someone is going to get the wrong idea. Ignoring their calls and texts obviously isn't the decent thing to. Grow a pair, face confrontation, and end things before it gets too emotional. I've been on the shitty end of these situations far too many times for me to count. But I think I learned a lot of life lessons from these awful experiences of being led on and letting my guard down way too quickly for random meaningless strangers who mean nothing to me now but hilarious and unfortunate stories of my oddly amusing past. Although my trust issues have sky rocketed, I'm working on it, it's a process. Because of being fucked over by so many in such short amount of time, I was bound to lose faith in humanity. Luckily, since I've met my boyfriend, I've been able to see the good in people again. I never lost that hope, but it was so buried within my heart I had often forgot about how love could be a real thing for me. I had forgotten that maybe somewhere out there I could find someone who actually wanted to be with me, and for more than just a night or a couple weeks. I've been able to heal, slowly but surely but it'll take a lot of time to get back where I used to be before these whole crazy experiences started.
I'm sure some of you reading this are wondering about the letter game. I'm sure I've peeked someone's curiosity of the names of the dudes I shacked up with. In my real life, I've told many friends and co-workers about these stories. Some are sad and heartbreaking, but most are hilarious and fun I promise you. I wouldn't be so happy to share them if I wasn't over these experiences. I think humor is a great way to cope with shitty experiences. Instead of regretting these stupid choices I made over the past couple of years, I joke about them and use storytelling to get over them and not dwell on them so negatively. Would I choose differently if I could go back and start all over again? Most definitely, but I can dwell too much on my past. It's history and you can't change what's already gone. You can choose to have a positive outlook and move on, because it's what's best for you and your mental health. You must live life in many different ways to learn and grow. You must experience bad things too, which sucks, trust me I know. But that's what we all must do as humans to grow into the person who we never thought we'd end up become but feel at peace and complete. Enough about rambling on about sappy life metaphors and what not, onto the names. So to put in perspective of how many letters I got through the alphabet game.....technically, it was 13. Yes, I got through half way before I stopped after I met my boyfriend who I'm very happy with. I met most these guys online, which isn't the best way to start a story about how you met someone, but hey they aren't ALL bad apples. Tinder is where I met Steven and it turned out great so far. There might be 1 good guy in the sea of fuck boys, you just have to do a lot of work to find them but it's worth it. If there's one piece of advice I can give, and it's something I wish someone told me when I first started dating, is to not take things so seriously from the beginning. Don't have high hopes and expectations. High expectations only lead to disappointment, 9.5 out of 10 times. Trust me. Go with the flow, it's much more fun and better for you and the outcome. If you go out on a date, just play it by ear, have fun, no pressure needed and you could potentially have a good time! I mean, it's not to say you won't be nervous or find out some weird ass shit about your date but you know, YOLO....right? That's why I say don't take it so seriously, just have some light hearted fun. You might enjoy yourself or even get a hilarious Tinder story out of it. My other advice is, take caution when meeting new people online in person for the first time. My tactic was to always talk to someone or text someone for a least a couple weeks, even maybe a month before meeting them in person. You have to weed out the weirdos and the psychopaths (unless you're into that but....please be safe!) right away. It's okay to ask personal questions before the actual first date, you need to make sure they aren't going to kill you or try to steal your shit. You don't have to get super deep with your questions, but it'd good to know some stuff about your potential date like if they're actually single and not married with kids, or if they have a job or a car, or if they still live at home to save money or because they just really love their mom doing their chores for them. Stuff like that is good to know before anything else. Unless you don't care about that stuff, then you go for it, wing it! All in all, remember it's online dating. It can go either good or bad. If you're curious about online dating, I say give it a chance. It could go either really well or you'll get a great story out of it for friends to hear about! Always be cautious with it though, you may never know what's out there. Just maybe, don't go about it so naively like I did! Take it from me, it wasn't always fun if you take it so serious sometimes. And don't worry, I will eventually talk about all these A-Z participants, I'm sure some will enjoy. This was just a backstory, the beginning to my sob stories and how you shouldn't follow my lead. Don't be a dumbass like me, and just have lighthearted fun!
back in my prime ho-ing days 
Comments
Post a Comment