A to Z: Spilling the Tea on the Letter Game Part I

PART I:

So, here's the juicy details of my "letter game" escapades. In my previous blog post, I explained my "letter game" where for a few years I would only sex with guys based on the first letter of their first name. Which, yes, sounds like a fucking sociopath. It was very insane and odd and stupid, but for the most part I had a lot of fun. I made sex a game, rather than like most people, an intimate thing. Ultimately, I think this game kind of damaged my outlook on sex for a long time. I didn't see sex as a romantic and special experience, but rather for purely for pleasure and narcissistic reasoning. It wasn't the most normal and healthy way to go about my life. But I was a confused person who didn't know what she wanted and instead of being heartbroken and sad constantly, I just mindlessly had sex with people who didn't matter. I did it for various reasons. Mainly for temporary validation, attention, and the feeling of being wanted. I hid my true feelings of wanting love and stability for fun nights and great stories to share with others later on. It was silly, but I was a damaged person and I didn't understand and try to fix my bad habits for quite awhile. But, for the most part, emotions aside, it was fun. It was highly entertaining to check another letter off the list. Just like most people's sexual history, some experiences were amazing, while others were lackluster. Often times I wondered why I would waste a certain letter on someone who wasn't that great. Which also makes me sound even more like a sociopath. Can you blame me though? It always sucks when a night of fun doesn't go well, right? Yes, there were a lot of bad choices of my "suitors" but hey, you live and you learn. And I feel like I've grown and learned a lot from every experience.

Anyways, like I said in my last post, I got through HALF of the alphabet. I did a couple repeat letters because I genuinely liked those people (and well the really only one that mattered in all of this was my boyfriend Steven) and didn't care about this silly game. Honestly, quite a few of these guys I saw potential in dating them. But I was never 100% sure on why it never worked. Most of them were fuck boys. Whether they wanted to admit it or not, they were. Ghosting and/or ignoring someone and confrontation is childish and stupid, which is definite one of the biggest qualities of what a fuck boy is. My rule is and has always been, if you just want sex, be upfront with it. I was never against hooking up with someone if I was genuinely attracted to them and you know, the letter thing (ha!). But if you go on a date with someone, willing to call it a date or not upfront about your intentions, you're an asshole. You're giving someone a false sense of hope for potential for something more if you have a good connection. This has happened to me many times. I'll get into detail about the ones that mattered or hurt the most. The ones that I "regret" (even though I don't like to use the word regret for these instances because then I feel even more stupid for my shitty mistakes! Oh well, can't dwell on the past. I must "let it go" and move on to a brighter future. Now, onto the roast fests of my past suitors (heh)...oh boy.

My first few "letters" were all a coincidence. I didn't intend to ever do this "letter game". Honestly it wasn't until like the 5th guy I'd been with that I realized. After I realized it, I thought it'd be a fun way to approach sex where I wouldn't have to take "relationships" with guys so serious and I could just play this silly game and get somethin' somethin' out of it. It was pretty successful for the most part. Let the odd stories begin?

My first time with was a guy who started with the letter E. I'm still not sure how I feel about revealing these guys' names yet. In real life, it's one thing to mention their names because it's most likely the people I know will never encounter these people, but what if some of these past suitors somehow come across this post. They'll definitely know it's them and I'm just not ready for that exposure!! So for now, I will give them all nicknames. Actually, some of them already have nicknames I've donned them purely because of the experience and/or the time frame they entered into my life. So, for the first guy I ever banged, we'll call him, Eager Beaver. I'm calling that purely for the fact that he didn't care if I never had sex before, he just wanted some ass. I met him through Tinder early-ish 2016. Yes, I lost my virginity to guy from TINDER. I know it makes me sound like an idiot and slut all at the same time. But, fuck it, I was 23 and I was over not ever having sex. I just wanted to get it over with and Eager Beaver was a cutie, had a job, his own place, and was quite charming. He was Korean and had a slight accent, which is always adorable no matter the circumstance. The sex was good, honestly, I was shocked it was that good for the first time. I can't say I didn't expect it when Eager Beaver invited me over to his place. We had texted for a couple weeks before I was ready to finally meet someone from this silly dating app and I eventually was like I'm going to bang this dude because WHY NOT. We hung out one more time like a month later, I honestly wasn't into as much as I was the first time because I could already tell he was kind of a fuck boy. I didn't really experience this before, so I didn't see the signs earlier but it didn't take me long. After awhile, texts got ignored and I soon moved on pretty quickly because I knew that me and this person weren't serious, but damn I could of at least gotten a goodbye text (he still has my DVD of Scream 2 at his apartment!!!).

After Eager Beaver, I didn't know how I should go about this dating scene. It's like the flood gates have opened. My confidence boosted a little, because damn, someone wanted to have sex with me (who knew!!!). I talked to people here and there on Tinder but nothing sparked my interest until I met my second "suitor" who's named started with the letter 'A'. It's hard to come up with a name for A because it's hard to describe him. We met right around the time I moved into my first apartment in late summer 2016. Our dynamic was pretty cut and dry. It was monotonous and predictable. We'll call him Al the Pal because our relationship was nothing but "friends with benefits"....if even that! I first met Al through Tinder as well. You'll start a notice a theme with most of these stories....But, yes we met via Tinder and he actually asked me out on a date! The date itself was okay, I could tell we were pretty different in our interests. I wasn't sure where this was going to go. He also lived almost an hour away, which is never the best way to start something. I invited him back to my place with good intentions. It was loud in the restaurant and I figured we both wanted to talk a little more. Honestly, I never intended to sleep with Al on the first date. Sparks weren't really flying. He was a nice and kind of attractive looking guy. But knowing it wasn't really going to go anywhere I didn't really intend to sleep with him. But I guess from the other person's perspective, I could see why he thought he was going to get some action after I invited him to my empty apartment (I'm glad I cleaned the place up before I left the house). A part of me looks back on that experience and wonders why I didn't just say no to the sex. It wasn't even that great. But he was nice and I was confused and lost on where I wanted my life to go. Al and I continued to see each other occasionally through the next couple of years. He was one of the only dudes I still had been in somewhat recent contact with before I met my boyfriend. After meeting up a handful of times, we rarely talked. We really put in the usage of "Netflix and chill" a lot. We did small talk, but we never really got to know each other until the last few times we saw each other. During that long gap of not meeting up, I went through a lot of stuff and I feel like I've evolved a lot, apparently so did he. I eventually realized we were even more of a bad match. I would like to say, he was one of the only guys that wasn't ass much of an ass to me. Although we didn't keep in good contact very often, we mutually knew we were both around if we needed each other. I think he knew I wasn't into him in a romantic way, even though he had brought up the idea of going out and doing something, we never did. And after awhile, it just fizzled which was okay for me since it was a "relationship" that we were both not benefiting that much from. I wish him the best and hope he's found what he's wanted for his life.

The last "suitor" I had met with in 2016 was a guy with the name that started with the letter 'B' who we'll call Bizarre Bob. This experience was definitely one of the weirder and spur of the moment hookups of mine. I think I was very confused after coming out of the last hookup I didn't know what I was looking for. After getting a little bored with Tinder, I tried OKCupid, which is an app that is seemingly angled at being more a legitimate place to find people who want to actually date and not hook up. I got this vibe because of the more personal profile and questionnaire about your life and what you're looking for. However, a lot of people lie about their intentions, which isn't a new concept so I don't know why I am constantly shocked when it happens to me. I met Bizarre Bob in the fall of 2016 on OKCupid. We talked for a couple weeks, and I'm sure Bob would of loved to meet sooner but he lived almost 2 hours away. Right away I knew this wasn't going to work purely on distance. It seemed like our connection through text was fun and flirty, but I was nervous to meet him. He was a few years older than me, and I wasn't huge fan of him living so far away but he was persistent on meeting me. Bizarre Bob is so bizarre he drove 2 hours to get to my shitty little apartment. When we first met, it was awkward to say the least. He was a little different looking in person then from his pictures. I mean, I get it, a lot of people have said the same about me because I'm a damn selfie queen in my pictures and a fucking goblin in real life. He was also a bit more effeminate than I envisioned and he wasn't very good with conversation and I was immediately not into it. But I couldn't kick him out after he drove 2 hours to meet me! I stuck to talking about K-Pop with him because he mentioned once he also likes K-Pop. I didn't know what else to talk about so I stuck with what I was comfortable with. We eventually turned on Netflix and broke into some alcohol to loosen up. We started to get a little frisky, which I was pretty awkward at initiating, considering I only had sex maybe like 5 times before this experience. His stamina however, had been lackluster (lasting maybe a minute or less inside if you catch my drift) and the whole event was very uneventful and stupid and I felt like an idiot. What I didn't mention was, even though I've never met this dude until that night, I let him stay the night and was planning to stay the whole weekend. Let me tell you now, that did not end up happening. After tossing and turning in our sleep, for one because it was an extremely uncomfortable situation, I also had a full sized mattress, and he was a tall dude, it just wasn't a good fit. I also, until that day have never slept in the same bed with another guy. Ever. So it was even more uncomfortable for me. Bob woke my ass up at 6am saying he had to go home, he just had to. I had maybe been asleep for 3 hours at most that night so I was delirious from sleep when he woke me up. He hugged me goodbye and left in the middle of the night back home. I wasn't even upset. I was relieved, mainly because I didn't want to spend the whole next day with him and his inability to not "erupt" in 30 seconds. I texted Bob the next night wondering if he was okay, no response. I waited about a week to make sure this dude wasn't dead (because I'm a nice person) and he finally replied, and that was the last time I heard from Bob. Such an odd experience, and unfortunately not one of the last of those I had.

That is all that happened for in 2016, it was messy but yet far more innocent than 2017 and 2018 went, so hang on for the next part to this journey. It's going to get bumpy. If 2016 was any indication of how lost and confused I was, 2017 is just living proof how the hook up culture ultimately ruined my self esteem issues and I began to form hardcore trust issues as well. I often wonder how my life would of been right now in this moment if I didn't sleep with the second guy. I think my outlook on sex would of been more reserved. I still would of been liberal about it, but still shy on how to go about it and I could of went about it a better way. I look back on 2016 on how much I was beginning to change in such a short period of time and how I evolved so quickly from then on.

Selfie queen more confident about her looks at the end of 2016.