A to Z: Spilling the Tea on The Letter Game Part III

Part III:

I must let you know, the last five stories are definitely ones that are more intense in my opinion. I think maybe it's because they're the ones that happened the most recent and they're just still stuck in my mind but I feel like I'm going to have a bit more difficult time typing these out. To catch up from the last post, I was still in my "ho phase" in summer 2017. I was on a roll, just hooking up with men left and right (okay, not really that often but more often than my friends group would say). I had Tinder game and it was very evident. But, the next "suitor" on this timeline was someone who I knew in my real life. The twelfth guy's name started with a 'D' and we shall call him Douche Canoe. I knew Douche Canoe from work. We both worked at a local bookstore, where we both had the same job position, so we didn't see each other often but we did work together from time to time. The first time I met him I thought he was extremely attractive. There was something about him that made me think "I'm going to sleep with him someday" and my co-workers can attest to me saying this statement. But beyond light flirting at work, it never went beyond that. Until the day it did. My co-worker and friend Rebecca were on the same shift together when we were talking about Snapchat. We eventually found Douche Canoe on Snapchat from Rebecca's phone contacts (I didn't even have his number in my phone that's how little we were friends). She eventually added him and we started snapping him random things about work and he asked her to have me add him on Snapchat too. Eventually it was just Douche Canoe and I going back and forth and being extremely flirty. The conversation continued on after work and when I was at home. One thing led to another and he came over to my apartment at midnight for an actual "booty call". I was nervous at first because this was a dynamic I was not used to. I had only ever been with guys I met online, but getting intimate with someone I've already known was crazy to me! The sex was intense, I still couldn't believe it happened and I was able to seal the deal. At first I wasn't going to tell anyone for awhile since we still worked together. However, not much longer later Douche Canoe quit the bookstore to focus on his main job. Which I think was partly bullshit. I kept thinking it was because of me and he didn't want to face me. I was very upset at the thought to be honest. I never saw Douche Canoe in a romantic way, trust me it was purely sexual but damn, it still stung. After months of not being in contact with him especially since he quit working at the bookstore, we started texting again. We were on and off at the idea of meeting up again but we both made up excuses. He continued to stalk my Snapchat until recently when I finally deleted him and showed him I'm in love with someone and he missed out because he's a scared little boy. For awhile I regretted banging a co-worker because I think it ruined a decent work relationship and the away it turned out wasn't pleasant. But I can't take it back and the whole experience was a fun rush.

I took a break from the scene for a couple months after Douche Canoe. I was over the whole idea of hooking up for awhile. It wasn't until late October that I met guy number thirteen, who's name started with an 'H'. I shall make his nickname Humble Bragger. Which is a weird nickname but nothing describes this guy more than pretentious and extra as fuck. I of course got back into the Tinder game and started talking to Humble Bragger and made a nice, friendly conversation with him. He seemed a bit more poised and fancier than what I was used to. He went to a Ivy League college and came from a lot of money. He didn't necessarily "brag" a lot of but he definitely was from a world I don't understand. We went on a lot of nice dates, all of them were at nice restaurants or the movies. We had a lot of great discussions and it was really easy to talk to him. We were pretty different but we made it work. I saw a lot of potential in Humble Bragger, regardless of his income and where he came from. We saw each other almost every weekend and we took it all pretty slow. After awhile it seemed like it was becoming less romantic and more like friendship and I wasn't sure how to deal with that. Our last date together he mentioned about meeting family and we joked how it was too soon (which is was) but that was a serious relationship type of thing to say. So of course I was getting my hopes up. We had sex for the first time that night, and after that night I knew I was a bit cursed. On my fourth date with Oh Boy, I had sex with him for the first time and we never saw each other again. The same exact thing happened with the Humble Bragger. However, sex with him was pretty good. Pretty vanilla but honestly I was pretty used to that with every other guy really. The disaster of this relationship didn't really happen until about a week or so later. It all began around Thanksgiving when his parents came into town to meet him, and then work related stuff came up for him, and so it kept pushing back our dates to hang out. Holiday season was slowly approaching and we both were very busy. The texts got even less and less (to be fair the Humble Bragger was a shitty texter, sometimes I wouldn't get a text back for a day or two...which I brought up before and he said one of his exes didn't like that he texted too often so he stopped doing that which is ridiculous!) and then they came to a complete stop. Honestly I was shocked, I didn't expect this of the Humble Bragger. He was very different from all the other guys, and even to this day I wouldn't say he was even close to "fuck boy" material. Eventually after long discussions and me trying to get him to confront the situation we decided to meet one last time at a diner. The dinner was awkward, my stomach was in knots, I couldn't even think about eating. I was so nervous. I had built up what I was going to finally say to him to his face. I couldn't believe that he didn't realize how he was leading me on. He mentioned how he didn't want to enter a relationship knowing he was going to be moving in the summer, which I knew about and understood, and I didn't care. I didn't care if the relationship was going to be for a short time, I thought him and I were having a great and simple time together. We enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. But that wasn't enough for him, he needed someone who had more in common with him. Which I can understand, but once again, you shouldn't lead someone on and then just try to ghost them thinking they'll just move on that easily as you. The Humble Bragger was basically a robot, a human with no feelings and couldn't understand how I got so emotionally invested in our dynamic, which I'll never understand how he didn't. I told him so much of my past and why I am the way I am and he still didn't put two and two together. I often wonder what he's up to now, if he's moved, if he found someone else to be robotic with. Who knows? I never saw or heard from him after that day. We still have each other on Facebook, which I only keep him on there for my own amusement so he can see how happy I am without him. He probably doesn't even care. He's that robotic.

I don't think I ever cried over the Humble Bragger. I was too furious with men continuously being clueless on how to handle situations, I just got back out there and tried to forget him and all the other shitty men. This is how I met guy number fourteen, who's name started with a 'Z'. I think I'll call him Zippy, just because. We actually started talking around the time the Humble Bragger was completely cutting me off. I was angry and depressed and just needed some actual attention and this is when I started to talk to Zippy. Zippy was very attractive, he was tall, in a band, but also an engineer with a good job in Chicago. We hit it off so quickly and he was very adamant about taking me on a date. I was nervous because he was so good looking I thought he was kind of out of my league. But the date went great, a little awkward but nonetheless adorable. However, I will admit I took the whole thing to the next level on my own. Same with our sexting. I took it there. Like I said in the beginning of this story, I was angry and trying to move on from the past relationship. I felt really shitty for essentially using Zippy because he was a really nice guy but I was damaged goods. Zippy and I officially banged after the second time meeting, at my apartment in the middle of the night. The sex was okay, nothing that special. He was a very attractive man so I wasn't going to complain. I had high hopes to hookup with him again, and so did he. But I'm not sure if that's what he wanted, with me or with anyone. We talked occassionally about meeting up again, but it never happened. It was also around the end of 2017, so it was a busy time for everyone. Our last real conversation was through Snapchat (I remember this whole interaction well, it's still pretty recent in my mind), and mid conversation it just stops. He leaves me on read. So I let it go for awhile. I text him the next day, and nothing. It just stops. It was so strange. I kept asking "did I do something wrong?" and "why all of a sudden? are you just not into it?" I just wanted answers, even if it was the one I wasn't hoping for. So I bitched him out and then deleted him off social media, only to never hear from him again. Definitely a weird ending to this story, but that was it. Adios Zippy!

The next story is my second to last one, and by far one of my most bizarre ones yet. The story of how I met guy number fifteen was similar to just like the rest of them, on Tinder. His named started with an 'L' and I know the perfect nickname for him, Limp Dick. I had been talking to Limp Dick on and off for quite a few months. I couldn't tell you when we started talking because he was that irrelevant. I was actually talking to at least 3-4 other dudes at the time. I was still lost and confused about my life. It seemed like my love life was hopeless, but at least my sex life could thrive, right? After not having sex for almost 3 months straight I was ready to get back out there. I remember the day clearly, I was in the city visiting family on St. Patricks Day. I had no plans that night and wanted to finally get back out there and continue my letter game quest! So I hit up Limp Dick (of course not knowing about his problem until it didn't rise) and finally met him at his very filthy, hole in the wall apartment in the city. The night was fucking weird to say the least. His apartment was a mess. He claimed he had OCD and yet his bed was filthy, full of ash from cigarettes and empty sparkling water bottles (seriously). We watched a movie and fooled around a bit. However, it was taking forever to actually get to the banging. Even in texts I knew he was a weird guy, his conversation skills were unique to say the least. But I thought that was just one of his quirks. As the night went on, it started to get later and later. Not much sex was happening, alcohol was pouring (more on his end), but it was so boring there, the alcohol was having little to no effect on me. The sex was like.........barely sex. He couldn't keep it up. No matter how hard we both tried, we used so many different methods and yet nothing. I even stayed there overnight! We didn't even sleep! I honestly have no idea how we made the time pass that much. After awhile his company wasn't so bad but I definitely wasn't into having more "sex" with him. He had two cats that were super cute, maybe that's why I really stayed, who knows. Eventually we started listening to music and it got more intimate and he started getting emotional and vulnerable over certain songs we were listening to. I didn't know how to handle some stranger crying in front of me. I'm not good when people get sad or cry. I think he was starting to actually like me (he even said from the beginning "you're going to fall in love with me, I've been told it's very easy to fall in love with me" which I 100% don't agree with, I don't think I was at all myself that night, that's not true love) and I just wanted to get away. I ended up staying at his place til about 4pm the next day. You read right. I even had to cancel a date I had the next day (who ended up being my actual CURRENT boyfriend) because I decided to stay at this crazy dude's place. We eventually napped and cuddled and blah blah. He kept saying he wants to see me the next weekend and go out on a real date. And I was shocked when he said that because I thought he just wanted sex. I agreed to it mostly because I was lonely. I should also mention when I finally left his place, I was walking in broad daylight with extremely dark hickeys all over my neck and chest. I was doing the walk of shame on a busy street in a college town the day after St. Patrick's Day. Yes, that was clearly a big highlight in my life, I never saw Limp Dick again, but he definitely made his presence known through text. After my rescheduled date with Steven the next day (yeah I was a big ho), I was really into Steven. I was at a crossroads. I saw so much potential with Steven, the sparks were definitely there and he was such a damn cutie! So I had to let Limp Dick down. I knew it wasn't going to anywhere and I wanted him to go off and find what he wanted. I felt quite awful on the way I did it. I was becoming the fuck boy material, I was ignoring confrontation and blowing him over for no reason (in his eyes, but really it was for someone else), I made broken promises. So I could see why he was so upset, but hell, at least he knows, rather than just completely ghosted forever). Limp Dick wasn't very happy with that answer and proceeded to call me several times on my phone while I was at work, begging me to just talk to him one more time. It got fucking weird. I was starting to get worried. I immediately blocked him from social media and said one last goodbye to him through text. He then started saying shitty things about me and I got the last word by saying and I quote: "Thanks for the limp dick and by the way, I faked it!" and then I blocked him. And I have lived a very happy life since then with my amazing boyfriend who I couldn't believe still wanted me after all that bullshit. My next story will be about how I fell in love with the right man, after kissing and sleeping so many shitty guys. I can't believe how much time I wasted on these guys. It was all a big learning lesson, and I'm not sure I'm "happy" I went through but hey, it's life, it's not meant to be easy. I've grown so much from 2016 in so many different ways. My life is completely different from then. I moved into my own apartment, found a good job, met someone

 who was perfect me. So all in all, I can't complain. Yes, I went through some shit, but I was lucky. I was entering a world that could be very dangerous for me. I've learned my lesson and I don't ever want to go back to that life. I don't think I ever could after meeting Steven. I've experienced the real thing I don't think I ever want something fake or temporary ever again. It's lonely, it doesn't make you feel good, it makes you feel used and like trash. Why would ever want to do that again? I would never be able to face that world with the same confidence again. I was masking my pain, I was masking my true feelings and my wants and desires. I know better now, that world is not what I want. The hookup culture can be fun if you do it right, but what I've learned is you can't do it forever. It will eventually eat you up inside. You'll feel like you'll never be able to grow as a person. Especially if all you want is someone to share your life with and all you're getting is a night of fun. Explore your options, it's a great thing to start with, it's a great temporary feeling but it will never be forever. So if you are stuck in a relationship rut, just remember sex can't take away all the pain and emotions from your heart. Do what's best for you and your life, you'll know what you really want in the end.

Me before I met Steven (circa January 2018)

Steven & I on our trip to Indiana - June 2018 :)